Discipline or Punishment? Teaching Children with Understanding, Not Fear

We often picture bullying as something that happens between children — a shove in the corridor, a cruel rumour whispered during recess. But sometimes, it begins long before that.
It begins at home.

In households where shouting replaces listening and punishment replaces guidance, fear becomes mistaken for discipline. Adults who grew up under strict, fear-based rules often carry those lessons forward, believing that harshness builds character. Yet fear doesn’t teach understanding — it teaches obedience, silence, and resentment.  Teaching children with understanding, not fear, is what truly shapes empathy, self-control, and respect.

These beliefs have shaped how many of us were raised, and how we, in turn, raise others. For years, Malaysian classrooms reflected the same philosophy — that discipline must come with pain. But today, that idea is being questioned.

The Debate: Then and Now

         If you scroll through social media, you’ll see thousands of Malaysians debating whether children today need stricter punishment. Some say “kids nowadays are too soft,” while others argue that physical punishment is outdated and harmful.

         Back then, corporal punishment was considered normal. What is corporal punishment? It means using physical force as a way to discipline — for example, caning, slapping, pinching, or forcing students to do physical tasks as punishment. It was believed that physical pain or embarrassment would make children remember their mistakes and avoid repeating them.

         Many of us remember those days — being caned on the palm or pinched for breaking rules or not memorizing the times table, some had their hair cut in front of the whole school for not following the rules, or being asked to do a “duck walk” along the hallway for forgetting to do homework. It was embarrassing, but many of us accepted it as part of discipline. Some even say, “It worked!”

         But others disagree, pointing out that humiliation or fear-based punishment doesn’t necessarily teach children right from wrong — it only teaches them to avoid getting caught or rebel more. 

So, how should we “punish” children today? And how can we balance firmness with understanding?

Punishment vs Reinforcement

In psychology, we don’t just talk about punishment — we also talk about reinforcement, which is about shaping behaviour through consequences or rewards. In simple terms, reinforcement focuses on encouraging good behaviour, while punishment focuses on stopping bad behaviour.

Perfect — here’s the complete table with both home and classroom examples, written simply and clearly so it fits smoothly into your article:

Types of Operant Conditioning

Type	Definition	Key Mechanism	Home Example	Classroom Example
Positive Reinforcement	Adding something pleasant to encourage (increase) good behaviour.	Behaviour → ADD desirable consequence → Behaviour INCREASES	Praising a child for finishing homework on time or giving a small reward for helping at home.	The teacher gives a star sticker or praise for good work. 🌟
Negative Reinforcement	Removing something unpleasant to encourage (increase) good behaviour.	Behaviour → REMOVE aversive consequence → Behaviour INCREASES	Letting a teen skip chores for the day if they’ve been responsible all week.	The teacher cancels extra homework when students behave well. 🎉
Positive Punishment	Adding something unpleasant to reduce (decrease) bad behaviour.	Behaviour → ADD aversive consequence → Behaviour DECREASES	Assigning extra chores for breaking a rule.	The teacher asks a noisy student to stay back after class. ⏰
Negative Punishment	Taking away something pleasant to reduce (decrease) bad behaviour.	Behaviour → REMOVE desirable consequence → Behaviour DECREASES	Losing phone privileges after lying.	The teacher takes away recess time for breaking rules. 🚫🏃‍♂️

What is the key difference here? Well, reinforcement teaches through encouragement (reward or praise), while punishment teaches through consequence. Both can work — but only if children understand why the consequence happens. Discipline or Punishment? Teaching Children with Understanding, Not Fear

Discipline Without Understanding

         Discipline without explanation often fails. When a child is scolded, caned, or sent to their room without being told why the behaviour is wrong, they don’t actually learn what to do differently next time. Instead, they might feel angry, scared, or unloved.

         A child who grows up fearing punishment may behave well only when someone is watching. But a child who understands why certain actions are wrong learns to regulate themselves — even when no one is around. That’s why psychologists emphasise communication and emotional connection in discipline. Explaining the reason behind the rule (“I’m upset because hitting hurts others”) helps children connect actions with consequences.

Discipline, Children, Understanding Not Fear

At Home: The First Classroom

         Home is the first and most important place where children learn behaviour. Parents need to show through actions and empathy on how to handle frustration, anger, and mistakes. When parents resort to shouting or hitting, children may learn that aggression is how problems are solved. But when parents stay calm, explain rules clearly, and reinforce positive behaviour, they teach empathy, respect, and self-control.

         Of course, this doesn’t mean children shouldn’t have rules. Kids actually need structure — it helps them feel safe. But rules should come with warmth, empathy, and explanation.

Many parents today are afraid of “messing up” or being too harsh, and that’s completely understandable. Parenting doesn’t come with a manual. That’s why it’s so important to learn and understand what children really need — not just to behave, but to feel heard and supported. When discipline is done with love and empathy, it becomes guidance, not punishment.

At School: Balancing Structure and Support

Schools also play a big role. Teachers are responsible not only for academic learning but also emotional and social growth. However, many teachers feel caught between being too strict or too soft — especially now that corporal punishment is no longer acceptable.

That’s why the Education Ministry’s new initiative — introducing Pendidikan Karakter starting 2026 — is a step in the right direction. This subject will focus on moral values, emotional intelligence, and building balanced character from preschool onward. Alongside that, schools will conduct regular mental health screenings and collaborate with counsellors to offer early support.

These programs recognise that discipline isn’t just about punishment — it’s about character building and emotional education.

So, What Could Prevent Future Incidents?

1. Early emotional education — Teaching children how to manage anger, frustration, and peer pressure from a young age.

2. Parental awareness — Guiding parents on positive discipline methods and communication skills.

3. School support systems — Having trained counsellors, peer mediation, and safe reporting systems for bullying or stress.

4. Balanced consequences — Consequences that are fair, explained, and aimed at correction, not humiliation.

5. Community collaboration — Schools, parents, and mental health professionals working together instead of blaming one another.

   
   

In the End: Understanding Before Punishing

Punishment on its own can silence behaviour — but understanding changes it. If we truly want to raise emotionally healthy, disciplined children, we must move from fear-based control to compassionate guidance. It’s not about removing consequences, but about making them meaningful.

Children don’t just need to know what they did wrong — they need to understand why it’s wrong and how to do better next time. As a community, we share the responsibility to nurture a generation that doesn’t behave out of fear, but out of awareness, respect, and empathy.

At Jolene Psychology & Hypnosis Centre, we believe that understanding and healing go hand in hand. If you or your child have experienced or are experiencing stress, fear, or trauma, our therapists are here to help. Through approaches like Psychotherapy and Neurofeedback Therapy, we focus on emotional regulation, self-awareness, and rebuilding inner confidence — guiding both children and adults toward healthier patterns of growth and understanding.